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The Identities of Superheroes Discovered

Did you know there are superheroes among us? They may be closer than you think. Some of us may work with them. Some of us may sit at the desk right next to them. They are usually too busy behind a computer screen to be noticed, but if you analyze them closely, you will capture sight of their powers.

I am not talking about postal workers, bank tellers, or the school nurse; I am talking about a more subtle bunch. Web developers are superheroes. Shhh, don't alert them that you know; they prefer their anonymity. Let me explain how their abilities can be translatable and comparable to that of more "traditional" superheroes:

Technopathy
This is the ability to manipulate technology in the form of electrical manipulation, "shapeshifting" allowing for interaction with machines, and a form of ESP that allows for mental interface with computer data. Web developers are constantly relating with technology. The "shapeshifting" refers to stuffing themselves in a corner for more privacy, or toting around their laptops in order to easily dash into any phone booth in times of emergency. The ESP can be explained by their abilities to talk to computers via HTML, JavaScript, and AJAX.

Telekinesis
Telekinesis is the ability to manipulate and control objects with the mind not visible to the naked eye. Ever have to call troubleshooting hotlines or customer service? It is not that anything is "wrong" with the computer; it is the developers remotely controlling the machines with their minds. The "Geek Squad's" existence is totally dependant on this superpower. Developers are very shy by nature, so they need to create a reason for us to communicate with them.

Object Based Power
This means superheroes can attract powers derived from objects such as armor, jewelry, wands, etc. (Ex: Green Lantern's ring or Wonder Woman's lasso). Ever wonder why so many developers wear glasses? How about their sneakers? The irony is some short-sighted people will make fun of developers for their dress accessories, but little do they know these are the pillars of the developers' powers.

Accelerated Healing
This is the ability to heal rapidly from any injury. Why do developers never have bruises from the multiple times they bang their heads against the wall, and why does their full head of disheveled hair always grow back the next day after incessantly pulling it out? Also, why has your house developer never taken a sick day in the last ten years?

Invisibility
The user of invisibility will be completely unseen by the naked eye. Most of us have probably marveled at the amount of work that developers can accomplish. It is not that they can do more work in the same amount of time as mere humans; but, they come back in the office unseen after they leave to complete some work they should have been doing during the day instead of perusing digg, del.icio.us, and reddit.

Wallcrawling
This is the ability to cling to objects or surfaces by a variety of means. You thought that the high tension of the job, the endless cups of Starbucks and cola, and their hidden stash of pixie stix was the cause of your developer climbing the walls. Nope, this ability comes along stock with being a superhero.

Psychometry
This is the ability to discern details about the past or future condition of an object, person or location by being in close contact with it. Did you ever have a problem with your site and a developer "just happened to be in the neighborhood?" Did you ever notice that it takes the developer about 2.5 seconds to analyze what the problem is and what you did to get yourself in this technological conundrum? It is not that they read Wired, Web Review, and Internet World screen-by-screen and cover-to-cover, it's their superpowers!

Disintegration
This is the ability to disintegrate matter through touch. Those of us who have been in the world of computers for a while have seen some entities come and go. Whatever happened to the Apple Newton, Microsoft Bob, and OS/2? Failures you say? I have another viable theory on those matters, watch out Bill Gates!

Probability Manipulation
This is the ability to alter probability, causing unlikely things to happen or likely things not to happen. Larry Page and Sergey Brin became juggernauts, but they are not superheroes. In 1996, while at Stanford, they garnered the epic fame of Google by fostering contact with a reclusive developer/superhero. They bartered their fame in exchange for a Spider Man # 10 (in perfect condition) and a Sony Playstation. C'mon, who would ever make it with a brand named after the calculation of 10 to the 100th power!

Conclusion
There are many more, but I know they are on to me. There appears to be no apparent reason for alarm. These people are generally quiet and keep to themselves. We just give them a nice, comfy chair, some orthopedic keyboards, the ability to choose their screen names and domain names, and hope that they will remain satisfied. So, until we are a part of a lab accident, feel the need to exchange clichéd quips while fighting with our nemeses, and attract a reporter girl/boyfriend, we can only stand aside and admire the modest nature of our super cohorts - the web developer.


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