It’s generally considered uncouth to blow a gasket at the office and that’s why today’s version of work-place anger comes in the form of repressed rage masked as sarcasm, hostile glances, or even thinly veiled threats. So what do you do when confronted with hostile employees, clients, or customers?

To answer this question we identified “best practices” for dealing with strong emotions by going to a location crawling with anger and frustration—the airport. We watched gate attendants to learn how they responded to customers who had been bumped from flights or missed connections. Here’s what we learned.

Don’t Do This. Trained professionals knew not to retaliate with anger. Unfortunately, their chosen response was just as problematic. Donning a cloying smile and the moral superiority of a schoolmarm, they patronized the other person. Other common mistakes included:

Don’t correct minor details. The most common error was correcting the other person. “Actually, it happened Thursday, not Tuesday.” This trivial correction, made with a sing-song voice, was manipulative and only escalated the problem.

Don’t quote policy. Telling others they won’t get what they want because “it’s against policy” is equally bad. People don’t respect policies that keep them from what they want.

Don’t demand calm. The most common reaction was to tell the person to calm down. This is akin to saying: “You’re acting immature, so go away and don’t return until you can act like an adult.”

Don’t one-up. As individuals made complaints, the other person tried to one-up the angry individual. Telling an upset person their problems are trivial compared to yours only makes matters worse.

Do Do This. Tend First to Your Personal Safety. If the other person is about to harm you—get to safety and find your way to either security or legal.

Show your concern. If you’re not in danger, show your concern. Don’t maintain a clinical stance. Acting calm and collected suggests you don’t care.

Share mutual purpose. Quickly let him know you want to help. Show your concern, share your mutual purpose, and then listen. Let him vent his frustration without interrupting. Paraphrase to see if you’ve understood and listen again. Allowing him to talk buys time for him to calm down. Get to the facts. As he talks, listen for the facts. He is angry because he is telling himself a story about someone’s bad or selfish motive. Now he’s in your face and acting as if his story is true. It probably isn’t. Returning to the facts helps clarify details that will resolve the problem.

Resolve the problem. Once you get to the facts, clarify misunderstandings and jointly resolve the problem. If you’ve avoided patronizing or retaliating, and if you listened, you’ll now be problem-solving with a person who isn’t overly emotional.

So when faced with hostility, don’t become angry or patronize. Instead, show your concern, find your mutual purpose, actively listen, get to the facts, and solve the problem together.